By YesPakistan.com Staff Writer

Saleha dreamed of the day she would be married. Born into a family of modest means in Lahore, she was ecstatic to find out that a "rishta" had come for her from a man living in the United States. She had heard he was well-off and although there was a significant age difference between them, she knew he would make her happy. Her friends protested, saying 16 was too young to get married but Saleha didn't care.

She married this man from "Amrika" who was 17 years her senior and promptly left her home and family for a place she had only read about.

Her life in the United States, however, was not how she imagined it would be. Although she had some material comforts, her husband was not home much. When they were together, he spent a great deal of time criticizing her: the food was never tasty enough, he didn't like her clothes, she was not stylish enough, she said stupid things; she was immature. He was upset that she couldn't speak English.

Saleha learned to gauge her husband's moods. She knew when to avoid him, when he'd be quick to anger, when he was in the mood to laugh. But this constant vigilance made for a stressful life and Saleha had nowhere to turn. She felt isolated: she had no friends, no one to talk to, nowhere to go. She didn't speak enough English to get a job, her husband probably wouldn't have let her anyway - he didn't like her going out.

Some six months after she came to the U.S., Saleha found out she was pregnant. When she told her husband his reaction was not what she thought it would be. He flew into a rage, screaming and cursing her. He said he didn't want children right now, business was not good, and a child would be a burden. He told her to get an abortion. Saleha was terrified. She said she would never do such a thing. And then he hit her. He slapped her face and pushed her up against the wall. He told her if she knew what was good for her, she'd get rid of the baby.

The next morning he said he was sorry, that he didn't know what had come over him, he would never do it again. Would Saleha please forgive him? Her face was bruised and swollen but she forgave him anyway.

Little did Saleha know that first beating was just a sign of things to come. As her pregnancy progressed, her husband's rage got worse and worse. He thought nothing of smacking her in the head or slapping her in the face for the smallest of reasons. When he was particularly upset she braced herself knowing the tiniest transgression on her part could lead to a brutal beating. All she could think of was protecting her baby.

After her daughter was born, Saleha's husband was calm for a while. He didn't yell and scream and he didn't hit her. But soon things started to deteriorate. He started hitting her again and was even more vicious than before. It was never just a slap or a smack or a punch. He would throw her, punch her, kick her, choke her. The beating would go on and on and on. He wouldn't be satisfied until she just lay on the floor moaning and begging for mercy. Only then would he walk away.

And this is how Saleha lived her life; her husband would brutalize her and then beg for forgiveness only to brutalize her again. She went on to have two more children and spent much of her time trying to shield the kids from their father's rage. She tried getting help from her doctor, a Muslim woman and just about the only person she knew. But her doctor was of no help, telling her she should pack her bags and leave. But how could she? She had no money, no job, spoke little English. Besides, her children were so small. What if she ended up on the street? How would she take care of them? Saleha felt that even if her own life was hell, at least her kids weren't hungry and they had a place to call home. Maybe things would get better one day.

That day never came. One night her husband was in a foul mood and dinner was not to his liking. Saleha braced herself. He screamed at her that she was pathetic and stupid. He should have finished her off years ago. Why had he wasted so much time on her? She told the kids to go to their room and lock the door. Her oldest daughter grabbed the two little ones and ran. The children heard the sound of dishes breaking, their mother screaming, begging to be left alone. They had never seen their dad this angry before. They heard him slapping their mother, pushing her, swearing at her. Mom was crying.

All of the sudden things were quiet. The oldest girl opened the door and peeked out, she couldn't see or hear anything. She called for her mother, then her father. She heard a noise coming from her parents' bedroom. Slowly she walked to the door and pushed it open. Dad was sitting on top of Mom, a knife in his hand, there was blood everywhere. Saleha was dead, murdered by the man who should have been her protector. She was only 26 years old.

Saleha's story is not uncommon. While most abusive marriages do not end in murder, this level of violence is frequent. Domestic violence is a well-known secret in the Muslim community. While there are no hard numbers - the issue is not given enough importance to study - community leaders, social workers, lawyers, say that roughly ten per cent of Muslim households are violent with some cultural groups having a greater incidence.

Domestic violence is not a problem specific to the Muslim community. This problem persists in all countries, all socio-economic groups, is not bound by education, and crosses racial, ethnic, and religious boundaries. Study after study shows that a man who beats a woman will do it again and again and again. The abuse, if anything, will worsen each time. Studies also show that violence increases when a woman is pregnant.

In the United States, domestic violence is the single major cause of injury to women. Despite Islam's teachings of justice and compassion, violence in marriage continues to be a serious problem in the Muslim community.

Among Muslims, one group where domestic violence is more common than average is the south Asian community. Certain cultural practices and traditions, like entrenched patriarchy and stigma attached to divorce, make south Asian women more vulnerable to domestic violence. These same practices prevent women from seeking help. For those who are immigrants, the barriers are many: lack of economic independence, lack of English language skills, a culture that discourages women from speaking out, in many cases an ignorance of their Islamic rights within marriage, all play a role in the subordination of women in marriage.

Many times, people cling to cultural practices that are at complete odds with religious teaching. Also, many times religious teaching is dispensed by those who are ignorant and leave women unaware of any recourse they may have according to Quran and Sunnah. This problem is compounded by a lack of Muslim services that are culture and language specific. Many Muslim women who do seek help have problems finding help in a language and environment they are comfortable in.

Religious leaders continue to tell women that enduring an abusive relationship is her fard, that she should be patient and pray, and that Allah will help her. Such advice is not helpful to a woman who is being beaten by her husband. Also, such advice places the burden on the victim to improve her own circumstances.

Women who are in abusive relationships cannot typically just pack their bags and walk out. These women have myriad considerations that can be multiplied even further if there are children involved. Immigrant women may perceive the danger posed by their husbands as being less than the dangers posed by the outside world. Many of them are isolated and wouldn't know where to go even if they did leave.

The Muslim community does not have many shelters for battered women. A shelter is a safe house, a place where a woman who has left an abusive relationship can go. She can stay there, in many cases with her children, until she is on her feet. The shelter will provide her with legal aid, help her understand the law and know what her rights are.

Muslim women are typically wary of "mainstream" shelters. They find they may not be understood by staff, they may feel intimidated and unable to communicate their feelings. Oftentimes, their wishes are at odds with the approach taken by many shelters. Studies done on south Asian women show that their first choice is not to leave their husbands; they simply want the abuse to stop. Women from this demographic place tremendous importance on keeping their family unit intact. In mainstream shelter culture, the first choice is to get women to leave the relationship altogether. In south Asian culture, regardless of religious background, divorce is taboo and leaving her husband is a step most women don't want to consider.

The Muslim community needs to pay attention to the social ills prevalent in our community. The family is the bedrock of the ummah. Problems like domestic violence weaken the family. The backbone of the family, the woman, is broken down and can't function in a violent relationship. When the man, the emir of the family, is violent he undermines his own authority, he destroys the trust his wife and children place in him to be a role model and someone they can expect to resolve issues in the household. When the family is weak and hurting, the whole community is affected. When the foundation is shaky, the building collapses. Domestic violence isn't a women's issue, it's a family issue and needs to be addressed by the community as a whole.

Some facts about domestic violence:
- A woman is beaten every 12 seconds.
- One of four women in the US will be assaulted by a domestic partner in her lifetime.
- 1/3 of pregnant women are severely beaten.
- Domestic violence includes mental/emotional/verbal/physical/sexual abuse including constant demeaning or humiliating remarks; threats; slapping; kicking; hitting; choking; destroying property; economic deprivation; forced sexual activity; isolation; starvation.
- Children in homes where domestic violence occurs are physically abused or seriously neglected at a rate of 1500% higher than the national average of the population.
- More than 40% of murdered women are killed by a spouse or someone they have been intimate with; 10% of all men are killed by partners.
- 90% of children in violent homes are aware of the assaults against their mother.
- Of all juvenile and adult criminals, 80% lived in domestically violent environments.
- Male children exposed to domestic violence have a 700% greater chance of beating their female partners later in life.
- Children from violent homes are 300% more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol.
- Battered women are eight times more likely to hurt their children when they are being abused than when they are safe.
- 25% of female suicides are preceded by a history of battering.
- Domestic violence occurs in all classes, races, income levels, and education levels.
- No one deserves to be abused. No one can provoke violence, the abuser chooses to abuse.
- Abusers are controllers who seek to isolate and overpower their victims.

Date/Time Last Modified: 6/18/2002 8:07:53 AM

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