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Parenting
Goals and Ideas
By
Khalid Baig
"O Believers! Save
Yourself and Your families from a Fire whose fuel is men and stones." [At-Tahreem,
66:6]
This verse points to the
goal as well as the required seriousness of our efforts in bringing up our children.
The central goal of their education and upbringing must be to prepare them for
the future --- the Ultimate and Everlasting Future. One path leads to success
there. It is the path of obedience to our Creator. We must protect them from
taking any other path for all other paths lead to the blazing Hellfire. Our
efforts must have the urgency they would have if we saw flames engulfing our
children here.
While this is a universal
command to believing parents everywhere, it assumes special importance for those
living in non-Muslim societies for two principal reasons:
- The pressures to assimilate
from all societal organizations are just overwhelming. While schools and television
remain the two most potent instruments for corrupting both the intellectual
as well as the emotional space of the young minds, the popular culture and
secular ideas invade from all possible directions.
- The institutions that
have been built so far to counter this tremendous force miss the target by
a huge margin in numbers as well as quality. In the U.S., for example, there
are 400 full time Islamic schools. While this looks like a big number, these
schools can only accommodate about five percent of the Muslim student population.
More than 95% will go to the government run secular schools. Moreover, even
those going to the Islamic Schools are taught the same secular-humanist values
and ideas that are dispensed by the public school system as no integrated
Islamic curriculum exists today. The Islamic schools merely add Islamic studies,
Arabic, and Qur’an to a secular curriculum that remains intact.
The results are devastating.
Despite all the noise about Islam being the fastest growing religion (in the
U.S./West/World), the Muslim children in Western countries are succumbing to
the pressures at an alarming rate. Some openly renounce Islam. A large number
develop doubts and misunderstandings about their religion. They seek compromises
between Islam and un-Islam, or quietly develop those compromises in their lives
without telling their parents. The result is an epidemic of confusion, split
personalities, arguments with parents, or rebellion.
While that should be the
impetus for developing better Islamic Schools and other institutions, we should
never lose sight of the fact that the biggest role in the upbringing of the
children belongs to the parents. This verse says clearly that the responsibility
for proper education and upbringing of the children lies squarely with the parents.
This is a duty assigned to them by Allah and they will be held accountable for
it.
As parents are we up to
the task? Are we even clear about where we want to go and how to get there?
Do we understand Islamic teachings about parenting and our responsibilities
according to the Shariah? Sadly, the answer is no. Our goals as well as ideas
about parenting show the same confusions that we are finding in the next generation
about Islam. Here is a deeper look at some commonly held ideas and "truths"
about parenting.
"Too much discipline
will cause rebellion."
Too much discipline can
certainly cause rebellion. So can too little. Muslim homes should be loving,
caring homes where persuasion works most of the time. But when there is need
for discipline, shying away from it can only exacerbate the problem. In the
U.S., spanking a child by the parents is a no-no. Yet laws allow a thirteen
year old to be treated as an adult (and held with adult criminals) in violent
crime cases. Islam asks us to avoid both extremes. For example, we are asked
to encourage the children to offer prayers from the age of seven. But they should
be disciplined if they refuse to pray after age ten. Insufficient parental control
can be as damaging as too much parental control.
"Outside influences
do not matter if the home is good."
A good home is essential
to proper upbringing. At the same time, we cannot be complacent about outside
influences. Children, like budding plants, have to be protected from the harmful
environment, whether it is friends, media, books, or whatever. It is not healthy
to let the children be pulled in all different directions in the fallacious
hopes that they will ultimately sort out things for themselves. That is a prescription
for raising a "post-modern" person for whom, "Everything is O.K."
"It makes no difference
if the mother stays home or works outside."
Children everywhere need
the loving, nurturing presence of the mother. But, in immigrant Muslim communities,
where other support facilities are often missing or woefully inadequate, it
makes a huge difference. Unfortunately, most mothers are reluctant to step up
to their responsibility here. First, their own education did not prepare them
for it, physically or psychologically. Second, there is a lot of self-generated
economic pressure forcing women into the work force. Third, and most distressing,
in many Muslim communities the working women enjoy a higher social status than
the "mere housewives." Mothers should remember the hadith, that the
wife is responsible for the children of her husband and will be held accountable
for them. Those who belittle the task of homemaking are putting our next generations
at extreme risk.
"Good scores mean
good upbringing."
Good scores only mean that
the student has absorbed the material that he was tested on very well. Whether
that is good or bad depends upon the material itself. If a student obtained
top grades in the seventh grade History in the U.S., for example, it does indicate
a very high probability that he also swallowed --- hook, line and sinker ---
all the lies and distortions in World history and History of Islam. Do not be
surprised then, when he grows up a living question mark about Islam. As long
as they are not being taught from an integrated Islamic curriculum, our blind
emphasis on high scores in all subjects may be misplaced.
"Daughters and Sons:
Islam demands equality."
Most certainly, Islam strictly
forbids preferential treatment of boys or girls. But it is a gross misinterpretation
of this command that Islam favors a unisex world. Men and women have different
roles in life and our sons and daughters must be prepared for their respective
roles.
[reproduced with permission
from www.albalagh.net]
Date/Time Last Modified: 6/18/2002 8:08:01 AM
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