Self-Esteem 
by Uzma Mazhar

Self-esteem means a sense of self; the value one puts on self, and the worth one attaches to self.  Self-esteem is the basic belief about self.  If one has a positive belief system about one’s self, they will have a positive self-esteem.  On the other hand, if one views oneself as worthless, one will have a negative self-esteem.  Self-esteem is learned.  Self-worth and self-esteem are often used interchangeably.  

Self-esteem comes from having respect for oneself and is enhanced by respect from others.  Self-esteem includes having a sense of competence, confidence, achievement, independence and freedom. Respect from others is in the form of recognition, acceptance, and appreciation. Healthy self-esteem is a realistic appraisal of one's capacities.  

However, the key point is that respect from others will not change one's core self-esteem, because if one does not have an internalized sense of worth one is unable to 'absorb' or integrate the positive from others.  If one's core belief is that one is not good enough then nothing anyone can say is going to make them believe that they are good.

Self-esteem begins in childhood, when a child learns a new skill and the parent says, "Good! You learned how to count!" making the child feel competent and successful.  Approval, affection and encouragement from parents are the foundation block on which a child builds a sense of self, ie: self-esteem. However, when a parent is critical, negative, discouraging or abusive, the child gets the message that he is not good enough, that there is something inherently bad about him and that he is defective in some way. 

Children do not have an identity separate from their parents.  Their image of ‘self’ is learned from their parents.  Children are dependent on adults to give them the foundation of self-esteem and be role models for what is good.  Parents teach children how to view themselves.  Parents are the first and most important mirror in which the child views himself… if parents reflect a ‘good’ image the child learns to feel good about himself, when parents reflect a ‘bad’ image the child automatically starts viewing himself as bad.  Children mimic their parents, when parents respond to them positively they see themselves in a positive way, and when parents respond negatively they develop a negative belief system about themselves.

Self-esteem is the ability to hold onto our good qualities and strengths even when we are feeling bad about ourselves or about something we have done. It is the strength to see our shortcomings and love ourselves enough to know that we can learn and grow and not to give up on ourselves because we are not perfect, make mistakes or still have some problems. In other words, we are worthy of love even if we are not perfect.

Self-centeredness is usually a cover-up for the negative self-esteem and sense of worthlessness one really feels deep down inside. A self-centered or selfish person acts as if the world revolves around them, they are the center of their world, they think that they are better than everyone else and are more deserving.  Being self-centered is a kind of arrogance that is usually a cover up for low self-esteem, or a lack of self-love.

Good self-esteem means that one has enough self-confidence to not need the approval of others. One does not need to wear the latest fashions, be the thinnest or the richest to feel good about oneself. It is feeling good about who one is on the inside, so that approval and love does not have to come from the outside before one can love oneself. 

Many people function just the opposite, they don't feel good about themselves, feel empty within and believe that a relationship will fill that void.  They rely on another's love to make them whole, they believe that if "I am loved, I must be loveable."  They have to have somebody else validate their worthiness for them to believe it.  Needing a relationship too much leads one to endure abuse or maltreatment, to stay in the relationship because without it you feel empty. It is always good to receive approval and love from others but good self-esteem means we are not dependent on it to feel whole or good. 

Without self-esteem one can be so desperate for love that they do not see the red flags, and usually deny that there are problems. Usually we attract another with the same level of self-esteem and when the other does not have our approval or love, they resort to putting us down in order to feel better about themselves. And so the cycle starts, then we put the other down and around and around we go, trying to be on top, yet at the same time we are putting the other down, we erode any self-esteem we might have had and a downward spiral begins for the relationship and the individuals involved.

Besides relationships, drugs and alcohol, material possessions can temporarily make us feel good.  These provide a momentary high and we need these things or activities to feel good. These traps are only temporary external fixes to an internal problem, and distract us from acknowledging our shortcomings and getting in touch with and working on healing past hurts that contribute to low self-esteem.

To have self-esteem we do not need to be self-centered, we do not have to be the best looking or make the most money.

In order to have good self-esteem we need to act in accordance to our conscience and our beliefs about what is good in a human being. This often comes from a spiritual ideal.  People do not need to feel better than another to feel good about themselves.

[reproduced with permission from www.crescentlife.com]

Date/Time Last Modified: 6/18/2002 8:08:03 AM

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